


Bananas and Bootlegs

by InterstellarToaster



Series: Stardew Valley [4]
Category: Stardew Valley (Video Game)
Genre: Alcohol, Aliens, Cake, Crack, Drabble, F/F, F/M, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Humor, I'm kidding, M/M, Multi, POV Second Person, Pickled wheat, Reader-Insert, Rocks Fall Everyone Dies, Romantic Fluff, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, seriously I'm going to vomit
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-29
Updated: 2017-09-14
Packaged: 2018-12-21 05:39:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11937474
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InterstellarToaster/pseuds/InterstellarToaster
Summary: Snippets from the lives of various farmers. There's something odd going on in town, and it's probably your farmer's fault.





	1. Thing's That Go TRRASH In The Dark

**Author's Note:**

> It's like if I spilled juice on a story and pretended it still made sense.  
> U know it's late when the only story titles you can think of are edgy nonsense  
> The main joke of this one comes from being awake at 2am, and rummaging through village trash cans while Danny DeVito shouts "Ahm the traaash man."

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reader x Sebastian, theme: trashcans

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing..." Sebastian whispered. There was the sound of rummaging, outside his home. Like metal being thrown around, and papers being crumbled. Honestly, it was kind of frightening. And that was before he had stepped outside, and was face to face with a shadowy figure in the darkness.

"Deep into that darkness peering, long I stood there wondering, fearing," Sebastian repeated, but the repetition did not make him feel any better. The shadowy figure was still there. Sebastian was still utterly terrified. Then, the shadow monster decided to move. It began to tear through the trash can, growling deeply, and it was at that moment that Sebastian decided to make the most daring move of his life: actually turning on his flashlight. It flickered atmospherically, before he swung it around and shined it directly on the trash can monster-burglar.

"Show yourself!-" He shouted, then stopped. You blinked.

"Hey," You waved, bits of trash falling to the ground. In your hands, you held a perfectly pristine package of donuts. Your stomach growled deeply. 

"Why," Was all Sebastian could manage. You looked back down to your donuts, before shoving them into your mouth. Between the sugar dough and jelly filling, you stared Sebastian directly in the eyes and shouted;

"I'm the trash man. I eat _gahbage."_


	2. Check The Wiki Before You Clicky

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Single, and ready to mingle. Did I say mingle? I meant cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This makes less sense than the last one  
> Put some suggestions in the comments or something, and kudos in my inbox. Please, my family of sixteen is starving. This winter is harsh indeed

You carefully wiped sweat from your brow, staring at the Pink Cake you had finally finished decorating. With the obvious pink frosting, and not so obvious decorative red hearts, it was a fine piece of work. It took a fair chunk of your time, too, but it would be worth it. No one could resist The Cake ™. 

Though you had only been in town for a season or so, you knew your way around, and so you boxed up the cake and set off North.

On the edge of the lake, stood the man of your dreams. He was magnificent, and it was for him that the cake was made. For him that you went out of your way to talk to Pierre, just to buy flour.

It began exactly like in your dreams. You walked over to the man, and held out the boxed cake. He opened the lid, and marveled at the beautiful creation inside, while you could only stare at the beauty that was him. Then, he'd look deep in your eyes, with an intense gaze, and say-

"Wow, this is a fantastic specimen. I'll be sure to share some with my wife, too!" 

_Wait, what?_

As he walked away, cake in his arms, you could only gaze blankly out onto the lake. It was a fine lake. Solid. Lots of, rocks. 

Linus walked up to you and gave you a sympathetic shoulder pat, even as you stared in defeat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If you love me let me goooo"  
> Robin did a fine job with marrying this boi, don't you forget it


	3. Remember Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time to drown your sorrows, by consuming as much alcohol as physically possible. You just need to buy it first. All of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Reader x No one   
> Theme: all of the alcohol

You grimaced, fiddling with the frayed edges of your pockets. Finally, though, Gus approached the cash register. There was an expansive wall of alcohol behind him, and you eyed it with an expression of deep resentment. 

"What can I get you?" Gus inquired, politely cleaning a bar glass- and, honestly, you didn't even know if he actually needed to do that. But you didn't come to question his poor life choices, because you came to make your own. 

"All of them," You nodded to the liquor behind him. Your scowl remained, fixed and unchanging.

"All of them?" Gus' smile faltered in the face of such a confusing order coupled with such a mighty scowl. A scowl that only deepened as you had to repeat yourself.

"All of them," You repeated. 

"Do you mean...you want a sampler?" He attempted. You weren't sure if there was such thing as an alcohol sampler, and you didn't really want to find out. At least, not now.

"No. I meant, I want all of them," You stressed, crossing your arms and scrunching up your face and generally looking as frown-y as possible.

"One of everything?" He inquired tentatively. You glared.

"All of everything."


	4. Cow Tipping for Fun and Profit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aliens are real, I tell you.  
> Reader x Sebastian x Sam? Probably. Theme: aliens

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It should be fairly obvious [ where ](https://youtu.be/rbBX6aEzEz8) I got my inspiration from.

It was late, and the moon hung low in the sky, and grey clouds meandered along like bumbling old men. You, however, were not half so happy. In fact, you were very upset. Why? It was your corn.

Your beautiful manicured fields of corn, so pristine, with the stalks so strong and leafy. You loved these fields. And someone- no, something had come along and done something terrible...something downright wrong...

There was a crop circle, right in the middle of your cornfield. It filled you with rage. 

"Dagnabbit, this is the third time this has happened this month!" You yelled, mostly at the sky in some vague hope that whoever did this would hear you. 

First, it had been cow tipping. This made you upset, because your poor cows did not deserve such treatment. Then, it was the chicken pushing. Which, didn't really work out, considering they were chickens. They the perpetrators graduated to making obnoxious circles in your crops. To say you were livid would be an understatement. And you knew exactly who/what was behind it. Oh, the other metaphorical farmers would laugh at you. But you knew the truth. The signs, they were so obvious. 

"Aliens! Come out and fight me!" You roared, falling to your knees in the middle of the flattened corn circle. There was not a sound for miles, as your screams of rage echoed. When even the echoing stopped, you slumped your head down with a sigh. Then, you heard a sound. Like a click. What? It was a song! [ It sounded so familiar](https://youtu.be/rbBX6aEzEz8) , but it was blasting throughout the corn fields. And then, from the great green stalks, appeared the form of a green alien. You blinked. In the moment it took you to blink, the 'alien' had disappeared back into the corn, but the music remained.

"Get back here, varmint!" You shouted, jumping to your feet and sprinting into the sea of corn. You, eventually, found nothing, and soon even the strange music stopped. By then, the moon was high in the sky, and you decided to admit defeat as you trudged to bed.

Meanwhile, a cornfield away, Sam and Sebastian giggled like kindergarteners. They shed their green jumpsuits, making sure to grab their boom box as they snuck out of the farm. Then, just for good measure, they pushed a chicken. 

As usual, the Farmer was livid.


	5. So Fresh So Clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harvey x Reader for this one. The theme: pickles. But not the kind you think.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When someone makes a comment as a joke but you take it seriously

You were excited. Your good friend--and maybe hopefully boyfriend-- Harvey had invited you over. You both shared a love of pickles, and so a pickle tasting day was set aside. You procured your best pickles, with fine cucumbers grown by your hands. You wondered why type Harvey would get. It made your heart flutter in anticipation.

"Hello, friend!" He greeted, opening the door for you. You smiled in return, waving a little and walking inside. His home was modest, yet comfortable. You both took a seat at the kitchen table.

"You first," You giggled, idly prodding the bag with your pickles in it. Harvey nodded, excitement brewing on his face, and he quickly produced his share of the pickles-

Wait.

Harvey grinned, eager, taking your lack of reaction as agreement. In reality, you were stunned. Those weren't pickles, those were bundles of wheat in vinegar. Pickled wheat. 

"Delicious, right?" He nodded. You wondered where your life had gone wrong


End file.
